Flirting
by enRei
Summary: Contains lots of randomness and jumping over the topics; from gender, over food and linguistic to finally, romance. Follow up two strangers as they flirt in the most unusual way. Or usual- depends on probability of meeting your match. Beware the AU, OOC and British-ness. And some transvestite tendencies paired up with shonen-ai. SxN


**Pairings: **SasuNaru; KakaIru.

**Warnings: **dash of philosophy, history, linguistics, irony, sarcasm, British words and accent, homosexuality, transvestite tendencies, Italian food, French words, AIDS, politics, sex, exhibitionist tendencies and so on…

**Disclaimers: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto; name _Nice _belongs to the Greeks; irony/sarcasm definitions belong to Bugarski (there's where I read it); British words/accent belong to… well, British people.

**Important Note: **A duo dialogue only; every new line is spoken by the other person. Kinda like 1-2-1-2 rhyme.

* * *

"So, you're a boy."

"Isn't that obvious?"

"Sure it is. I was just trying to make a conversation."

"Well, that was a dumb way to go about."

"Yeah, well… I never portrayed myself as a genius."

"… _Portrayed_?"

"Or been one, when I think about it."

"Clearly."

"Oh, cut me some slack; unlike you, I'm not being paid to be here today."

"Then why are you?"

"Why am I what? A guy? Hmm, according to scientist, when men are angry, they release Y chromosomes and create a female fetus. I reckon dad was the coolest guy on Earth that faithful night in January…"

"I am not sure whether should I be amazed by your knowledge or your idiotism."

"Knowledge is rarer."

"So true; there are tons of idiots out there."

"No wonder they are sociable, unlike geniuses."

"Yeah, I… Wait a minute. Did you just call me an idiot?"

"Hmmm, no. I believe I never uttered a word like that, when referring to you."

"You just said idiots are sociable- meaning they have friends. _Many _friends."

"So? Something wrong with my theory?"

"_I _have friends- many so."

"Yeah, but you're a movie star."

"And?"

"You have friends because it's a necessity- not because you want them."

"Do elaborate."

"People always flock stars- any kind."

"Sad, but true."

"And so, it doesn't matter what you say; you will always have many friends."

"… Are you sure you are not a philosopher in disguise?"

"Please. That was nowhere near Socrates level."

"Modern philosophy is nowhere near Ancient one."

"Berkeley is close."

"… You actually read that stuff?"

"You don't?"

"The only thing I read nowadays is a poorly written script for some heart-wrenching, gut-retching romance."

"Don't diss the public- that's your meal ticket."

"Unfortunately."

"Well, you can always try and write a script of your own."

"I tried it once."

"And?"

"The director said it was too depressing, angsty, suicide-evoking piece of shit."

"Oh, I'm sure _someone _would've liked it."

"My cat did."

"You have a cat?"

"Yes. Her name is Nica."

"As is 'Victory'?"

"Partly. I found her in a box near my apartment, covered by a towel."

"You lost me."

"It said '_Bienvenue á Nice._', and it was then branded with a hotel logo."

"… You are so unoriginal."

"Shoot me now."

"Nah, I don't have a license."

"How do you stay alive in this city?"

"I tend to notify my attackers I have _AIDS_."

"Oh… You don't have it, do you?"

"No- but that wasn't nice of you."

"And I should care why?"

"Because, according to scientists…"

"Please, no more scientific reference."

"You just don't like to assume I might be smarter than I look."

"I really don't. Blondes and smart do not make a likable story in my head."

"Nor does peanut and tuna- but I've seen people eating it."

"… You're not one of them?"

"Nah, I'm not that food-lover."

"That leaves me to assume you _are _a food-lover."

"A proud one, indeed."

"You can say hello to your figure then."

"I've been saying my goodbyes since the day I went off baby food."

"I bet your girlfriends hate you for it."

"You won't believe how many times a day I get hit by one."

"That's… stupid."

"It probably has something to do with my work."

"Hitting?"

"No, the metabolism thing."

"Ah, you're talking about the no-fattening."

"Yes. I'm a stuntman."

"That's just another word for a failed actor."

"Your conceitedness has no boundaries."

"So I've been told."

"I never wanted to be an actor. I find hanging with your life on the line much satisfying than falsely smiling in the face of a piece of glass."

"That's an expensive glass you're talking about."

"I know. Can you believe the prices they put on a normal digital camera?"

"I'm astounded."

"I was too- bloody government just wants to find a way to leech more money out of us poor unfortunate souls."

"It's dumb."

"Oh sorry, forgot you dislike blonde and smart combination."

"Thank you for your kindness. I should treat you to a coffee for respecting my wishes."

"Why? There's about a ton of girls who would be _thrilled _to listen to your requests- and do so daily, I believe."

"Were you just politely declining my offer for a treat?"

"I believe I was."

"You are… peculiar."

"Ooooh, British words! Is that hot or what?"

"You think I'm hot?"

"Isn't that like a must in your career?"

"True. But still… You think I'm hot."

"There it is- the smug smirk wannabe I haven't seen in a while."

"I have a feeling you will be seeing it much more."

"And I can't believe how easy you are."

"I'm not easy."

"Umm, yes you are."

"How so?"

"It only takes one compliment, and you're already soaring through the skies."

"Can't blame a guy for liking a positive attention."

"No, I really can't. I'm a big attention-glutton myself."

"I can see that."

"Rats. What gave me away?"

"You know… In some deranged kind of way- you are quite charming."

"Oh blast- now I'm blushing. Stop it please, one more compliment and I'll pass out from happiness."

"You are… weird. A cute kind though."

"That's it. Farewell Earth, you've treated me well."

"Is it so unthinkable for me to say nice things to someone?"

"Oh, I dunno. Should I ask, like every single person that passed though you're life that question?"

"I get the point."

"Good- because all of those compliments were started to creep me out."

"Shut up."

"Really eloquent. As expected from a celebrity of your caliber."

"Why are you teasing me?"

"I am not teasing you."

"Then what was that earlier?"

"An irony filler."

"A what?"

"I believe there is too little irony in our lives."

"Oh, there is plenty of it out there."

"No, there is sarcasm. That and irony may be similar, but are two different things."

"Enlighten the poor old me."

"Irony is a figure of speech used so that words said would carry an opposite meaning to the literal. It usually involves hypocrisy and deceit. Example: Thanking the government for sending your son in war; which led to his death. Sarcasm, on the other hand, is a mordant and offensive irony. Example: Saying to a depressed man 'Aren't we just a peachy ray of sunshine?'."

"Wow."

"Yes. While as irony can be situational, sarcasm is strictly conversational and people-related."

"Damn. You really are smart."

"University tends to do that do people."

"Oh, you went to university. What kind?"

"Well, I student Political Science- but had my fair share of linguistics."

"Wait- and you're working as a stuntman?"

"That is but a part of my big scheme."

"Care to let me in?"

"No can do- not even for the person of your stature."

"You're no fun."

"On the other side; I find you and your reactions quite amusing."

"You would, you politician."

"Guilty as charged."

"So, what are your plans for the future?"

"I plan on stopping by the pastry shop in my neighborhood and dig in the wonder of sweetness."

"Gross."

"I figured you don't like sweet."

"I firmly believe sweet is to be liked by idiots only."

"At least I will die happy and ignorant."

"Not with those brains, you aren't."

"Bugger. There goes my cover."

"Why do you even hide beneath one?"

"Hey, you said it. Unsuccessful actor is still an actor. And combined with my politician side- I am bound to become a masked kind of person."

"But I unmasked you."

"I blame your silky tongue."

"Wouldn't you like to know how silky it is?"

"… Oh my."

"_Yeeees?_"

"I just realized something… And please, don't purr. It's… weird."

"Was it something about my tongue?"

"No- but it did lead me there."

"Then what?"

"I am in a dress."

"… And that's your big discovery?"

"Well, it should be. After all, you don't see that many guys wearing one, right?"

"I had my fair share."

"I bet you did."

"Why are you even wearing one?"

"I _think _it has something to do with my godfather."

"Oh really now?"

"Yes- he dressed me up like this to get some kind of inspiration. He's a writer, you know."

"Please don't tell me…"

"A script writer."

"Bloody hell."

"Oooh, British again. Continue talking like that and I'll just maybe take you up on that offer."

"Jolly. Well, mate, say your 'Cheerio's' and let's clear off. "

"I'm in love."

"You should be; I wasn't proclaimed the hottest bachelor of Japan for nothing."

"I can see that. Your wittiness had something to do with it; along with that _glare of doom_ you carry around."

"It certainly does."

"So Mr. Hottie, what plans have you had in mind for this gonna-be amazing coffee break?"

"Hmm. Well Mr. Cutie, I believe we should move the coffee break to a dinner rendez-vous."

"Mmm, how about lunch meeting? I am one starved politician_slash_stuntman right now."

"It will be my pleasure."

"I'm sure it will; as soon as I get out of this dress."

"If you're worried about me, don't. I'm enjoying the view."

"Blast. He shaved my legs, didn't he?"

"Oh yes he did. And quite nice legs those are…"

"You are turning into a pervert."

"With a cute, sexy blonde like you by my side, I am bound to."

"Then maybe I should stay off your way from now on."

"Don't you dare go through that threat."

"Ha-ha! No worries, I rather enjoy that dash of stuck-upness only you possess."

"I also possess a bank-account with large sums of money in it."

"Is that a bribe I hear?"

"And that money can easily be used to buy any kind of pastry in seconds."

"I think I'm in heaven."

"Only if you do agree on a date."

"Or perhaps not- I have a feeling I will be selling my soul to the devil."

"Say, do you like noodle dishes?"

"Lead the way, Hot-stuff!"

"After you, Sweetie-pie."

"Such gentlemen you are. I feel flattered."

"Good; that means I'm just a few steps away from convincing you to date me."

"Ha! It will take more than a noodle dish for you to trick me into it!"

"How about unlimited number of those?"

"… I was thinking, I always wanted to visit that Old Italian restaurant for a first date. I hear they have splendid Bolognese Spaghetti there."

"… You know, I may have just fallen in love a bit deeper."

* * *

"Where is he?"

"Who? Sasuke?"

"Yes! We have an interview scheduled for today!"

"You can forget about that now."

"Excuse me?"

"Sasuke's over at his little blonde's."

"Oh. He's back?"

"Yeah; his plane arrived this morning."

"Where was he again?"

"England- his father is some Parliament dude there."

"He was gone for a week only, right?"

"And Sasuke still fretted over him never coming back. Said something about British-fetish…"

"Thank God he's back! If I had to pay one more international call…"

"He's a smitten fool in love."

"Thirteen times a day is _not _a smitten fool in love. It's a damn obsessed shit-head!"

"Maybe you should just find a movie they can both…"

"No freaking way! Last time I put them in a say movie Sasuke kept forgetting the lines and chased around his boyfriend all the time!"

"I'm sure it was not.."

"They had sex on my desk!"

"Really, you are exaggerating…"

"And on set!"

"Come on…"

"While filming!"

"… I always knew he was a little pervert."

"Yeah well, I blame you."

"Me? Why?"

"You are the one who kept reading those damn books in front of him!"

"My books are a work of art, an educational…"

"Not to mention you too had episodes of exhibitionist sex with _your _boyfriend."

"Ah, I wonder where my cute dolphin is now…"

"You are irreparable."

"We should just let them enjoy a day off, together."

"_Fine_. But tomorrow, I'll work that Uchiha to the nine gates of hell…"

"I'm sure you will. I'm sure you will. Well, I'm off to see my dolphin! Bye!"

"Idiots. All of them…. And dammit! Shizune, where's my drink?"

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed my dialog-only story; and that you've gathered who is who here. You read it, now be kind and review it. Ja ne,**

**enRei of the Bloody Blankets**


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